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“Children don’t come with an instruction manual.” We hear this phrase constantly. The trials of raising a child are as varied as the personalities and needs of the children themselves. But, we at least have resources to compare with – friends, family members, other parents going through the same typical issues most parents face. We draw from the well of experience and knowledge of those around us. But, what if your child has needs that outside of traditional methods? What if you’ve tried everything you’ve read and been told and it still isn’t working? Parents with FASD children face this very problem every day. But there are resources and there are paths to success. Sometimes we, the parents, need to learn new things as well.
When I partnered with SAMHSA and MOFAS to learn and share about FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders) I wasn’t sure what I was in for. I knew it was an important issue facing parents (and parents to be). I knew I would be learning about the cause and the diagnosis. But, I had no idea how involved the process was from that point on.
In traditional parenting we tend to focus on the behaviors themselves – curbing them, solving them and disciplining them. Children have innate motivations for everything they do. It’s part of growing, learning and being a kid. With many developmental disorders we are also taught that intelligence and learning ability plays a large part. However, with an FASD child, many of the behaviors stem from frustration. FASD impairs a child’s executive functions. That means that their mind understands, but they are unable to move that thought into physical action or communication. It creates a behavioral loop that leads to an escalation in mood and anger which then leads to even more frustration as they realize they can’t change those thoughts into actions.
The key to success is to proactively intervene and create an environment that doesn’t lead to those escalations. Here are ** tips for frustration which can be essential to FASD children. You may find useful methods for children without FASD as well.
1. Working Memory and Starting with Step 1
Many times an FASD child becomes frustrated while they attempt to complete a task they’ve been given. Often a parent may say “Get ready for your bath”. For a non FASD child this would be a simple instruction because they realize exactly what needs to happen in order for a bath to take place. But, an FASD child may become ‘stuck’ and not realize how to go about it. This is because of a lack of ‘working memory’ which is different than regular memory.
Think of it like a waiter in a restaurant. The waiter may know the menu by heart – that is memory. But, they still need to write down each order and which table it goes with. That is working memory. An FASD child remembers what happens at bath time (memory), but they may not remember how to transition from what they are currently doing to taking a bath. Instead of “Get ready for your bath” begin with step 1. Think to yourself “Where is the decision making point for the child?” If they need to make the decision to stop playing with a toy first – that is step 1. Approach the situation with “Please put your toys away.” Once that is completed, move on to step 2 “Now let’s get your pajamas ready.” and so on. Create and guide them through a sequence to avoid confusion and escalation.
2. Start Small and Make Successful Memories
One of the biggest challenges is avoiding escalation when you are away from home. Taking a two hour trip to the store has a good chance of becoming a train wreck because of frustration and the inability to control everything around you when you are in public. Instead, start small. If escalation typically happens after 20 minutes, plan a trip that only lasts 15 minutes. Adapt your schedule so that both you and your child come away with a positive mood and feeling accomplished. Build up ‘success memories’ so that the next trip you can extend a few minutes, your child feeling more relaxed and in control because the last trip was fun and happy. The building blocks of successful, small trips are more important for long term adaptation than solving things instantly and with possible harsh results.
3. Balance Learning and Leisure
It’s not only public activities that need short, happy memories. Your at home plans should also foster a sense of relaxation. When planning activities at home try to balance learning and leisure. Create a positive atmosphere by allowing rule-free times where your child is allowed to simply have fun and move at their own pace. Slowly transition into a more structured, learning situation by introducing small rules one at a time. This is another time to take note of how long your child can continue without an escalation. If your child was able to learn for 10 minutes before becoming frustrated during your last activity, allow rule-free time after 8 minutes. Intercept the frustration before it can take hold.
4. Don’t Assign Adult Behavior to Your Child’s Actions
It happens to the best of us – you ask your child to do something and they roll their eyes, sigh and maybe even grumble at you. The first step to success is to stop reacting as if their sigh is personal against you. Instead of becoming angry and thinking, “That is disrespectful!” – accept that your child simply doesn’t want to clean up their toys (who does?). Concentrate on the fact that they are doing it, not how they are doing it. If your child is moving and doing, then the goal is reached and it’s time to move on to the next task.
5. Monitor Your Own Escalation
The worst thing you can do when your child is escalating is to join in. When your child becomes frustrated or agitated, lower your voice and use moderate tones. Go into instruction mode instead of reaction mode. Shift away from your anger and toward the task at hand. Instead of engaging them in their current mood, focus on the goal. A good method is to write a script for each situation then repeat your planned responses (more than once, if needed) until they calm and move on to the next task.
6. Share Cues and Steps with Others Around Your Child
If your child participates in sports, activities etc with other children and supervised by other adults – let them in on the plan. Tell other adults and family members what your child’s triggers are, how to avoid them and what they can do to calm an escalation. Also encourage interaction with other children. Often, seeing others do steps toward a goal can trigger your child’s ability to follow along – providing them with examples on how to accomplish what they want to do.
7. Work on Decreasing Duration
Escalations are going to happen. When they do, concentrate on decreasing the duration. Frequency and intensity are dependent on how long the escalation takes place. If you shorten the episode, reduction of frequency and intensity will follow. But what happens when the episode continues? With a non FASD child, you can often ignore it and the child will eventually grow bored and move on to something else. This is rarely true with an FASD child. When you ignore their frustration they honestly believe you have not heard/seen them and they will try even harder to get your attention, eventually becoming stuck in a behavioral loop. Instead, make a point to let them know you see them. Then, once you’ve acknowledged their behavior – walk away. Now they can move past that loop and choose their next action.
8. Give Them Tools To Succeed
While the lack of working memory may seem daunting, there are ways you can help your child overcome. Provide notebooks, lists etc so they have a reference to steps for tasks. Remove the pressure of having to remember (which is a trigger point) by walking them through to the completion of a goal and showing them how they can follow the steps independently in the future.
Raising a child, no matter if there is FASD or not, can be difficult. But, it doesn’t have to be impossible. While these steps can provide valuable methods for success, parents and caregivers also need to allow themselves room to adjust and change. Be prepared to change things up so you can learn and grow with your child.
Visit MOFAS.org to learn more
But don’t forget to have fun with your child as well! Enter below to win a $100 BabiesRUs gift card to get you started on balancing your learning and leisure activities. (Open to US Residents only – 18+)
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RJC partnered with MOFAS and Brandfluential as part of a sponsored campaign to spread awareness about fetal alcohol syndrome prevention.
