By Kenda - September, 26th 2011

The world is full of people arguing. Its astonishing what people argue about really, from the world at war, to the credit card deals that your husband keeps signing up for. Recently a few ongoing tussles have me thinking about that fact: everyone argues, but not everyone does it effectively. Yes, you can argue effectively. It’s called “agreeing to disagree”. You don’t have to agree with everyone in order to get along, but you do have to keep some important tips in mind while exchanging opposing viewpoints or things can go very bad, very quick.

How to Survive an Argument

Getting into an argument can happen at any time, with anyone. It can happen at the grocery store because someone has 16 items instead of 15. It can happen at work because you seem to be the only person who knows what ‘deadline’ means. It can happen online simply because you stand on the opposite side of an issue. No matter the venue, a common denominator is that being successful in a debate is completely different, and far more important, than being right.

Here are some tips to keep in mind the next time you find yourself squaring off.

1. Don’t go into it with a smug attitude
Of course you’re starting out thinking you’re right – otherwise you wouldn’t be having an argument. But, until the debate is said and done there’s no guarantee.  Discussions, even of a confrontational nature, should be enlightening for both parties. You can only control your own side so make sure you start off on the right foot with an open mind. You can’t learn anything if you think you already know everything. The added bonus is that you’ll have less crow to eat if you do end up being ‘wrong’.

 

2. Never Stop Listening
Ignoring the other side is not going to improve matters. In fact, it makes you appear to be afraid of what they’re saying. Think of a child plugging their ears and singing ‘la la la la’ the next time you have the urge to shut down during an argument. That reaction only serves to annoy and anger those involved and accomplishes nothing. You shut down so they shut down and nothing is resolved.

3. Don’t back down to a mob mentality. Don’t join it either.
The only thing more scary than an angry person is an entire group of people angry about the same thing.  Many believe that being in the majority automatically makes you in the right. Hardly. It just makes you a team player; not always in the best sense. Don’t feel pressured to release your point of view just because you’re being hit by all sides. At the same time, don’t be tempted to join in if you notice other people are rallying behind you. Requesting backup makes your stance appear flimsy and reliant upon reinforcement.

Stand on your own and you’ll be more respected for it in the end.

4. Don’t pretend to be perfect – Admit your flaws
This is one of the easiest ways to make a good talk go bad. Don’t act as if you are above the other person. Period. If you’re going to point out where they went wrong then be honest and admit areas where you’ve gone astray in your thinking as well. There’s no rule that says you can’t connect with a person just because you don’t agree. No one is perfect and chances are there is at least one negative factor in the argument that you can relate to. Find it and share it.

5. DO take cutting remarks with a grain of salt
Anger makes us say weird things. It can make you insult your best friend or degrade your own family. If someone takes a cheap shot during an argument, keep in mind that they most likely wouldn’t have said it if they weren’t in such a state of mind. Some people think an argument brings out the truth. That can be the case, but the truth can be expressed in many ways. Anger puts an edge on everything that wouldn’t normally be there. Think of it like closing a door. There’s nothing bad about closing a door, but if you’re angry then you’re going to slam it; same action – different effect. The other person may, in fact, think you make bad choices in your life. But, without the anger they may have expressed it more kindly and with concern instead of accusation. Don’t take it to heart and don’t allow yourself to react to it.

6. Point out areas that you DO agree on
Most times an argument isn’t contingent upon a single idea.  There are variations, situations and circumstances that make up the sum of the disagreement. If the other person brings up an aspect that you actually find yourself agreeing with – admit it. It’s not going to make you lose ground and it’s not the same as admitting defeat. It’s the best way to say to the other person, “I do not agree on everything, but you do make some valid points.” Never ignore a valid statement just because you are scared to lose. By finding meeting points you might both win. Imagine that.

7. Don’t insult the other person’s intelligence
Just because someone thinks differently from you doesn’t mean they have lost their marbles. And even smart people make bad choices. That includes you. So bringing a person’s mental capacity into an argument is not only faulty, but also in poor taste. It’s a cheap shot and if you stop to think about it before hand, you’ll realize your purpose wasn’t to make a point – it was to hit them where it hurts.  Avoid words like ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ and phrases such as ‘what the #!@ were you thinking?!’

 

8. Don’t take the argument home with you.
If you feel there are still unresolved issues then ask the other party if you can both take time to recenter and cool off – and discuss it again later.  If the argument is at an end or is obviously dead in the water – then let it go. One key to surviving an argument is to realize that not every argument has resolution. Sitting around seething about a fuss is baggage you don’t need and will only cause you stress.  It may even serve to rekindle the anger and create a cycle of discord with that person for a long time to come. A great motto is: “Will this really matter 1 week from now?” If your answer is “no” then let it go.

9. Arguing doesn’t make you a bad person
We all have opinions, beliefs and soapboxes we stand on. It’s part of being human and having convictions. It’s what makes you, you. It’s what makes them, them. Disagreeing, even strongly, doesn’t make you mean or rude – as long as you respect the other person and the convictions they are expressing.  It goes with an old adage that still rings true: treat them as you would want to be treated. Try using alternatives like ‘I can see your point, however…’ or ‘That may be true, but here is my view…”. Watch your facial expressions and body language. Don’t roll your eyes, point etc. Keep eye contact, nod when they are speaking so they know you are listening and use open handed, palm up gestures to make your points.

 

 

You can be strong, steadfast and a champion for your cause while still being kind, level and accepting.
You can learn how to survive an argument.