I Can Be a Good Mom and Still Want Time Away from the Kids

By Kenda - May, 5th 2012

Today I came across this article. I found that it tapped into a mom vs. mom stereotype I’ve noticed gaining strength over the past several years and just didn’t know how to blog about it until now. The main point being: I Can Be a Good Mom and Still Want Time Away from the Kids.

My husband is a professional stand-up comedian. He works on cruise ships so he’s gone – as in out of the country – half the month. When he’s in the country he also does local shows in the evenings.  I work full time from home and have for around five years. I have a 14 year old son and a toddler who will be three in a few months. When my husband is home he’s extremely helpful and spends almost all of his free time with the boys. So this isn’t about not having enough spousal support. It’s about me and my personal needs as a woman and individual. Lately the stress of being an ‘in home’ parent 24/7 has been high. I’m in demand from 5:30 am until 10:00 pm. Between those times I am at someone else’s beck and call. In order to get free time (or as my husband calls it ‘defrag time’) to read, talk with friends, relax etc – I stay up until midnight most times. I say all this not to make me different from other moms – the vast majority of mothers deal with this. I am not unique. But I am both mentally and physically tired and rapidly losing grasp of being anyone other than ‘mom’. For some, being ‘all mom all the time’ may be enough and that’s awesome. Seriously. But it’s not me – I need time to just be Kenda. To get away from the usual situation and have child-free fun. I don’t think I’m unique in that either.

It also doesn’t mean I’m lacking at being a mother or have the wrong priorities; which is the vague impression I got from the article. Here are some main areas I had issue with…

Let me preface this by saying I usually steer clear of anything on Babble. It’s notorious for having writers that love to stir the pot of controversy and choose topics that are veiled attempts at picking sides when it comes to parenting. Unfortunately, the title caught my attention: “I Choose My Kids Over Friends and Me-Time”

Why does being a mother need to separate you from your friends or me time? The two can be enjoyed equally. It seems to be a running myth that there are only two types of mothers: those who leave their kids with a sitter all the time to go hang with the girls or those who spend every waking moment with their children until they leave for college. If you feel you need to choose, then that’s a pressure you put on yourself. It’s not a parenting standard. I can assure you that your toddler enjoys time with Daddy or Grandma and it’s not traumatizing them or robbing them of anything. You can have friends – and spend time with those friends – without neglecting your children. Perhaps some women don’t need friends. Both the article and many comments on it state that kids are all they need. I happen to like my friends and enjoy spending time with them.

“It seems everything in our culture is geared to tell moms they should want to go places without their children. […]  Moms should long for adult conversation and intellectual stimulation rather than that whole body tingling moment when you watch a 16-month-old put the puzzle piece in the right place for the first time…”

So…wait….I shouldn’t long for adult conversation and intellectual stimulation? What about discussion of world events, hobbies, casual chats with gal pals about what’s up in their lives and all the other stuff happening outside of my personal bubble? That’s close to saying “You’re a mom. Everything you need to know or concern yourself with can be found in your kitchen and your living room. The outside world is no longer of use to you.”  Yikes. Just add in the barefoot and pregnant part and you’ve got yourself a misogynistic cliche.

“Moms should prefer immaculate living rooms with carefully arranged decorator trays to threadbare couches, and finger printed walls, and always a tiny Lego that escaped the broom nestled in some corner.”

First off, what does this have to do with getting away for me time? Second, what’s wrong with wanting a clean house, nice furniture and no finger prints on my wall? Your house doesn’t have to be messy to be happy.

 “Maybe some women who are moms do want those things. I can honestly tell you I don’t, not if it means losing time with my kids. Oh, I may dream out loud on occasion…”

Hint: if you are dreaming about it, then you do want it. You just feel guilty about actually doing it. Big difference from ‘I don’t want to do that”.

“… maybe it will give some the courage to choose staying home with their kids when that is what they really want to do…it’s ok to choose to put your kids first“

Because…ya know… if you are going out for me time then you aren’t putting your kids first. Shame on you. Shame on anyone who wants to feel carefree. Shame on anyone who wants to fully relax once in a while so that their kids get a happier, more rested mom to play with. Shame on everyone who remembers who they were before they were mom and likes to get in touch with that person once in a while.

Here’s the thing…. Being a mom may be an eternal job, but in time the job requirements disappear. Soon they grow up and they leave. If I wrap my entire identity around only being a mother then that identity leaves when the children do. I don’t plan to let that happen. I want to enjoy these years with my kids – but – nurture that woman inside of me so she’s alive and well when the house no longer has Legos or finger prints on the wall.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.