My Overactive Toddler : I’m Out of Ideas

By Kenda - August, 19th 2012

Everyone talks about the terrible twos. Everyone has their own story of tantrums, pouting, biting and other unruly behavior. And everyone has their ‘sure fire’ way to correct it. I’m here to say that there are toddlers who will not be swayed by routine, soothed with aromatherapy or care at all about time out.

I know. I have one.

Little man has always been overactive. Even as an infant he cried constantly. There was no schedule to his feedings or his sleep.  As he grew and his personality emerged we found he was a happy child; easy to laugh and very loving. There isn’t one bit of ‘meanness’ in him and, when he’s in a good mood, he’s a joy to be around. Unfortunately he began deciding what he would and wouldn’t do around age two. We played it all off as the terrible twos, told ourselves it wouldn’t last and everything else parents do when their child refuses to listen or obey. Then, for a brief few months, things were almost perfect. At two and a half years old he finally started sleeping through the night. He finally started eating all of his dinner. He finally started listening when he was told something. We thought for sure the phase of chaos was over. Boy, were we wrong.

In the past two months it’s gotten worse. He still isn’t mean or spiteful – nothing even close. He’s never been a biter or a hitter. He plays well with other children. He isn’t “bad”, he’s just undeniably obstinate. The words no, stop and wait mean nothing to him.

ob·sti·nate/ˈäbstənit/
Stubbornly refusing to change one’s opinion or action, despite attempts to persuade one to do so 

Almost all toddlers are defiant by nature. They are learning who they are, what they want and practicing ways to make their parents aware of both. But, most toddlers have some point where they stop going over the line and listen to their parents; be it out of fear that they’ll lose their favorite toy or the simple fact that they are becoming aware of what is and isn’t allowed. Little man doesn’t have a point like that and it’s not for lack of trying on my part. I’ve heard all of the advice. You aren’t disciplining him enough. You’re disciplining him too much. Time outs. More independance. Less independence. More activity. Early bedtime. Later bedtime. Change his diet. The list goes on and on.

I’ve tried all of that. It didn’t work.

At an age where most children have free run of their house, Little Man can’t be left alone in a room for more than a few minutes because he’ll try to make a hole in the wall with a toy, tear a couch cushion apart or spit juice on the television set. No matter what time he goes to bed or how active his day has been – he will refuse to sleep for hours; opting to yell loudly, remove all of his clothes and create a mess in his room. And naps? Forget it. Then he’s up at 6:30 am – no matter if he went to bed at 7:00 or 11:00.  None of it is done out of anger or obsession. And he shows no signs of any kind of behavioral issue that would need treatment such as ADHD or autism. He just thinks these things are fun.

The only thing more fun to him that creating a stir is when you try to correct it. If you scold him – he laughs. If you restrict him from his toys – he laughs. If you sit him down to explain to him why he can’t do something – he ignores you and begins talking about something else.

I feed him healthy foods and sugar is saved for a treat. I can’t write out all of the things I’ve tried, but suffice to say I’ve tried them all. So what do you do if you’ve tried everything in the book, everything people suggest and thrown in a few ideas of your own — with no result? What do you do when you are so tired you feel like you haven’t slept in days? What do you do when you’ve lost track of how many times you say ‘Don’t do that’ during the day?

I have no idea.

Is it stress from change? No. There have been no significant changes in our home.
Is it lack of activity? Yes and No. Even when he’s had activities for most of the day this is still a problem the minute the activities stop.  He isn’t happy unless every minute of every day is spent on him. For parents who both work, spending every waking hour fascinating your child just isn’t possible or practical. I also don’t want him growing up thinking someone will entertain him every time he demands it. There are many positive benefits from occasional self play.

He’s not scared, insecure etc. He’s a social butterfly, smart and above the developmental expectations for his age. He just wants to be the center of attention at all times – like an adult who can’t have fun at a party unless they are the center of the conversation. It’s apparent that this is a major part of his personality – and I’m out of ideas on how to lessen it’s effects without dropping everything else I need to do during the day. My first son was completely the opposite: calm, slept through the night starting at just 4 weeks old, non-destructive, could be trusted not to mess with dangerous things and was excellent at self play (some might say he preferred it). So this is completely new territory for me…and I feel like I lost my map.

I also worry that this ‘phase’ is damaging the bond being created between myself and Little Man. When the vast majority of the day is spent saying no, stop, don’t do that….it can’t be a positive thing. But short of letting him do whatever he wants, I’m not sure what else to do.